By BrandiJ
If I’m being honest, this season of life feels heavier than I expected—but it also feels sacred. I’m almost 49. That means I’ve got more days behind me than I do ahead, and baby, if that don’t make you stop and think… I don’t know what will. Sometimes it scares me. You hear about someone passing almost every day now—somebody’s mama, friend, co-worker, even people younger than me. It makes me pause and ask myself: What am I really doing with the time I have left? 🕰️
And then my thoughts always circle back to love. ❤️
Love hasn’t always been kind to me. I’ve had some high highs and some gut-wrenching lows. But through it all, I’m thankful. Yes, even for the heartbreaks. Even for the times I gave too much and got crumbs in return. Because those experiences shaped me. They taught me the difference between what I wanted, what I needed, and what I deserved.
When I look back on my younger years—my 20s and 30s especially—I was accepting the bare minimum and calling it love. I thought if it didn’t hurt a little, it wasn’t real. I thought chaos meant passion. Chile, I was out here fighting for love like it was a job. Literally. 🥴 And I don’t mean fighting metaphorically—sometimes I mean hands thrown, voices raised, doors slammed. That kind of dysfunction I now realize ain’t love… it’s survival. It was confusion and desperation dressed up in fake romance. But back then? That’s what I knew. That’s what I allowed.
Now? I crave clarity. I want love to be consistent, not confusing. I’m not here to compete, convince, or chase anymore. I don’t want to wonder where I stand in somebody’s life—I want to know. I need effort. I need intention. And I need clarity like I need air. 🌬️
One thing I had to learn—sometimes the hard way—is that love shouldn’t require me to shrink. I’m not built to be small. I’ve got too much heart, too much purpose, too much power to be dimmed. But if I’m real, even in this season, I catch myself slipping back into those old patterns. I’ll find myself overextending, performing, bending over backward for someone who hasn’t even earned access to my soft places. And why? Because deep down, I just wanted to be seen. Truly seen. 👁️
My most recent experience taught me that I still have some healing to do. I was showing up in a way that was hopeful but not grounded. Hoping he’d notice me. Hoping he’d choose me. Hoping this time it would be different. But what I saw instead was me—not him. I saw the version of myself still trying to be enough for someone who wasn’t ready.
And the patterns? Whew, let’s talk about it. 🔄 I’ve run into the same relationship with a different face more times than I care to admit. But I’m done with that. I’m no longer excusing what Ray Charles could see wasn’t right. I’m done pretending that “potential” is enough to build a future on. I’ve loved men I couldn’t grow with. I’ve invested in people I couldn’t even build basic trust with. That ends now.
You know what’s hard, though? It’s not always the letting go that breaks you—it’s the vision you had in your head. That dream of building a life together. The trips. The home. The comfort of knowing someone’s touch, someone’s scent, someone’s rhythm. When that dream dies, it’s like a part of you dies too. 💭 And letting go of what your heart still craves? That’s a different kind of grief.
But I forgave myself. I had to. I forgave the version of me who stayed too long, tried too hard, and ignored the signs. I forgave her not because she was weak—but because she loved with everything she had. She deserved grace too. 🙏🏽
Now if love shows up again—and I believe it will—it’s going to have to come correct. I need kindness. I need friendship. I need safety. I want the kind of love where nothing’s off limits—we talk about everything. No guessing. No games. Just vision, partnership, and peace. I want to be able to relax. I’ve been surviving for too long. It’s time for me to rest a little. To be poured into the way I’ve poured into everyone else. 🫶🏽
The partner I’m calling in now? He’s a teammate. He understands sometimes I’ll be the cheerleader, and sometimes he’ll have to be. We don’t compete—we collaborate. He learns me. Studies me. Not for performance, but for partnership. And me? I’ll be paying attention too. No more falling in love with potential. I’m watching actions now—not just words. 👀
If love knocks again, I’ll be slower. More mindful. Still open, but not desperate. Still soft, but not naïve.
In this last quarter, I’m reclaiming my peace. ✌🏽 My self-worth. My voice. And I pray that the fire for my dreams comes back stronger than ever. Spiritually, I’ve got to get back to center. I’ve been showing up online for church, but I need to physically get back in that space again. Bootcamp with Inger’s been keeping me grounded physically, but emotionally? I’m learning not to let other people’s behavior dictate how I feel about myself.
If someone goes ghost, I don’t automatically internalize it anymore. Sometimes it ain’t even about me—it’s them. Maybe they needed space. Maybe they didn’t know how to use their words. Either way, I don’t chase peace anymore. I become peace. ☁️
And tonight? Peace looks like me, alone on my couch, watching Netflix, heart still healing, but spirit finally steady. 📺 I might not have the love I want yet… but every day, I feel more okay with where I am.
This is my final time loving like this. 💯 I’m not here to beg, prove, or plead. I’m here to be loved fully—or not at all. Because in this last quarter? I know who I am. I know what I deserve. And I’m finally brave enough to wait for it.
Signed,
love, truth, and clarity,
A woman who finally knows her worth.
— BrandiJ
