My Journey From Fear-Based Faith to Spiritual Freedom
This week’s blog is going to be very transparent about my upbringing, and I want to explain why.
Recently, someone texted me an image of Bishop Lambert Gates and Bishop Joseph Walker on the same flyer. To many people, that’s just another flyer — just another church event, just another moment that scrolls past on social media. But for me, seeing a Pentecostal Apostolic Bishop and a Full Gospel Baptist leader — both serving as Presiding Bishops within their faith communities — on the same flyer is something I would have never imagined was possible growing up.
In the world I was raised in, those spaces did not mix. Those doctrines did not cross. Those leaders did not stand side by side. So to see these barriers being broken now — at this point in my life — didn’t just catch my attention… it touched something deep in me. 🤍
Being raised Pentecostal Apostolic, that image was more than surprising — it was life-changing for me.
And I want to be very clear — this is not about judgment. This is about truth, growth, and understanding that when we know better, we do better. ✨
Growing up, what made me feel safe was watching my parents’ relationship with God. I saw real faith in action. I saw prayer. I saw trust. I saw consistency. I knew God was real because I saw Him working in them.
But at the same time, what made me feel unsafe was something I carried quietly for years — I couldn’t speak in tongues like they could. And in my young mind, that meant something was wrong with me. That meant I would probably be going to hell forever.
That is a heavy thing for a child to carry, but it was my reality.
If I’m being honest, my early faith walk was rooted in fear, not love. If I was out having fun, I thought I was going to hell. If I was in church but hadn’t spoken in tongues, I thought I was still going to hell. I didn’t fully enjoy the world, and I didn’t fully enjoy church either. I lived feeling like I had to earn being loved. Earn being saved.
And if I’m transparent, sometimes I still wrestle with that mindset even now. 💭
Back then, holiness felt like a long list of what you couldn’t do. Don’t wear certain things. Don’t go certain places. Don’t participate in certain things. There wasn’t enough conversation about what you could do and still love God, still serve God, still be growing. Everything felt like performance and pressure, not relationship and grace.
The first time faith started feeling like relationship instead of rules was when I started attending Victory International. Something shifted in me. 🙌🏽
Then in 2009, after years of my coworker Fran inviting me, I finally visited Mount Zion Baptist Church. And if I’m being real, I went in judging. I thought, They baptize Father, Son, and Holy Spirit… they’re a big church going to hell.
Yes — that was my real mindset. That was the lens I was looking through at the time.
Then my sister Hollie told me, “Just visit with me one time.” And I did.
Around that same season, I came home one day and found my back door kicked in. I was terrified — scary movie level terrified. I literally tripped from fear walking through my own house. Police came and searched everything. Nothing was taken. But someone had left a heart necklace on my bed. ❤️
And I will never forget what the officer told me. He said, “This person wasn’t trying to harm you. They were letting you know if they want in, they can get in.”
That moment shook me in a way I can’t fully explain. It felt like life was speaking loud. It felt like God was allowing me to see how vulnerable I really was in that season.
That’s when I told Hollie I would go to church with her.
And that day, Bishop made a statement that changed my life. He said, “If God is whooping you in this season, at least He has His hands on you.”
And let me tell you something — God was whooping me. 😮💨
That season included me not speaking to my parents for nine months. And while that sounds painful — and honestly, it was — I now understand I needed that time. I had to learn how to talk to God myself. I had to learn how to pray for my own kids. I had to learn how to trust that God hears me directly.
For years, we would call my parents to pray about everything, and I realized I was teaching my kids to depend on someone else’s relationship with God instead of building their own.
The first time I really started questioning what I was taught was during GOYB76 and when that church member’s house caught on fire. For almost a year, I felt like God was showing me step by step how to be a blessing and how He works through people beyond rules and boxes.
Then attending Mount Zion week after week, it felt like every Sunday the message was speaking directly into my life — like someone had been in my house or sitting next to me at work listening to my thoughts. And deep down, I knew I was exactly where I needed to be, even though part of my old mindset was still there.
I sat there for a full year still thinking these people needed to be re-baptized just to be sure they were going to heaven. And that thinking kept me unsure of my own relationship with God for years. Even after seeing miracles. Even after seeing God move in impossible situations. Part of me still felt “hell bound.”
And yes — saying that out loud sounds wild. But it was real for me.
I love my mother dearly. And I remember her telling me once, “You need to join a real church.” Because I value her so much, that hurt deeper than I probably showed. A small part of me thought, See… you still not right.
But in 2024, she attended Mount Zion with me. She enjoyed it. And I believe something opened in her too. That meant more to me than I can explain. 🫶🏽
Now at 49, knowing better and doing better means understanding that we were all taught based on what our parents knew. And they were taught based on what their parents knew. A lot of generations were raised on rules before relationship was really explained.
I personally believe there are leaders now helping shift how people see God. Everyone won’t agree. And that’s okay. But I trust when someone is truly hearing from God, fruit shows up. 🌿
Today, I believe God cares deeply about hearts. I see Him moving in families. I see Him moving in broken places. I see Him moving in prison systems. God is still God, and He is still reaching people exactly where they are.
So seeing unity happening, seeing different groups coming together, seeing people focused on loving God more than proving who is right — that brings real spiritual healing to me.
Seeing gatherings where the focus is leadership, unity, and growth — I truly believe those moments will be powerful and blessed. 🙏🏽
I’m in a place now where seeing the Body of Christ move toward unity doesn’t scare me — it gives me joy. Real joy. The kind that lets you breathe deeper and love people better.
And if I’m honest, this moment in my life feels like healing I didn’t even know I needed.
As I close this, I want to personally thank Bishop Lambert Gates and Bishop Joseph Walker. Whether you both fully realize it or not, your leadership, your obedience, and your willingness to stand in spaces bigger than tradition is helping people like me heal spiritually.
It’s helping break fear, build understanding, and remind us that our shared goal is loving God and loving His people.
At 49 years old, I can honestly say seeing unity like this has brought a level of spiritual peace and freedom I didn’t even know I still needed.
Thank you both for leading, for listening to God, and for helping open the eyes and hearts of a generation that is still learning, still growing, and still seeking Him. ✨
Sincerely,
BrandiJ